Piles

If you have piles, and ever get the feeling “Why did this have to occur to me?”, all you need to do is broach this topic in your next party and duck for shelter from the deluge of experience, anecdotes and advice that will follow.

I know that there are better things to talk about in a party than the swelling in your rear end. But parties are hardly ever uniformly exciting, and you could pop this unusual topic if your attempts with sports, politics, economy and weather have drawn blank pauses from a grumpy next-seater.

The first feeling you are bound to enjoy is the overwhelming reassurance that you are not alone.  Most would own up. In fact as the conversation and the circle get larger, you could give those who don’t have them or don’t know if they do, a bit of inferiority complex!

A survey showed that one of every 2 adults have piles and the frequency gets higher as we grow up; many go through their entire lives not knowing if they had it at all while most get to know only during a medical examination.

Piles, or hemorrhoids as they are called in medical jargon, are swollen veins in and around the anus. If they can be seen or felt outside, they are called external piles, while those located inside the outlet are called internal piles.

Painless bleeding is the main symptom of the internal variety. They come to attention when fresh blood, in streaks or drops, are seen on the pot while passing stools. This often causes panic in the morning especially when it was just last night that one munched spicy peanuts with drinks and felt on top of the world with friends. Typically, bleeding occurs when stools turn hard and you resort to straining to get them out.

Interestingly, the external ones, like barking dogs, don’t usually bleed or bite.  Thy can get scratchy, swell or turn painful, and draw your attention to your chronic constipation.

There is another good reason to bring up “piles” as a party topic. The number of treatment options that you will get to hear will make your head reel. You can spend a sleepless night tossing options such as laxatives, herbs, medicines, kayam-churan, band ligation, injection therapy, cryosurgery, hemorrhoidectomy, and many more.

Let me share something exciting that I learnt at a party when the conversation had indeed turned to piles at a boring juncture. Scientists have noted that they occur only in animals that stand and walk erect, such as man and ape, and may have something to do about blood gravitating down to the caudal end and not being able to flow freely up due to straining and constipation in that posture. None of the 4-legged ones seem to get them. 

The next time therefore you hear someone flaunt that he does not have piles, ask him how he moves at home! Hic!

As published in HT City ( Hindustan Times) dated 16th September, 2012.